The Meaning of Attraction
by ArtysSexKitten
Summary: Mulch has a mental spill about his sudden feelings for everyones favorite Irish genius and Artemis has a few things to say about this sudden development. CRACK!PAIRING Go me!


**WARNINGS:****This is SLASH and has a pairing that isn't really done. A crack pairing. If you don't like, then WHY are you in this section in the first place? Pee off. Oh yeah, the Arty I use in this is OOC, very much so. However, you all expect that of me by now I should think. Mulch too is OOC... I've never written him before.**

**A/N:**Well, I wrote another crack pairing. Have no idea if this has already been done before, but this is what happens when I'm left to my own devices in the late hours of the night and I thought it might be interesting. So let's see what we can do. And as a last warning, this is...

MULCH/ARTEMIS

Ok? So leave if you are against it, stay if you're curious, if you secretly like this pairing or if you really DO like it. If you do, I'd really like to hear a review from you Mulch/Arty fans. This is my first time. It's all from Mulch's POV, because I REALLY like writing from this view. Mulch is also having a nice little mental spill, unlike him yes, but the poor fellow does have feelings, and he uses them in this.

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Artemis Fowl, aren't you all glad?

Not many people think highly of me. I know this, because they say it right to my face. I act as if I don't care and say their opinions are as important to me as a pile of troll dung. I can fool myself into believing this most hours of the day and night, when I'm around others, when I'm stealing something. However, when I'm alone, in bed, the remarks and comments, the insults creep back into my mind to repeat themselves repeatedly.

It bothers me. More than I let on.

It's easy to hide, because no one looks deep enough to see that I do contrary to popular belief, have feelings. That is, no one did, before you. You noticed. I'm not surprised; nothing gets by you and those watchful blue eyes. You see everything.

We were on a mission, which has become quite a routine thing since you got your memories back, with the help of me. I find it flattering that you enclosed the task of bringing your memories back to me. Julius had forced us into a little toy box of a cruiser and sent us off on a wild adventure to retrieve a valuable piece of evidence that had fallen into a chute.

You had just explained, for the fifth time, your "idea" on how to get said evidence back. Everyone was cranky due to the size of the cruiser and confused, save Butler, because your plans are hard to understand. I, after having eaten a few moments ago, didn't help the situation by letting one loose. It's not as if I can help it, I'm a dwarf, but that fact had been shortly forgotten when Holly, short temper in full use, let loose one of her own. Yelling at me to keep my bowels under control and a then barked a few sware words in my direction; the others mumbling their agreement, all shuffling off to get some air.

You though, stayed behind, sitting neatly opposite me, with your attention directed at your laptop. I watched you, expecting you to excuse yourself politely as well. However, you didn't. You raised your blue eyes to me and said:

"_Better an empty house, than a bad tenant. Eh Mulch?"_

Then you'd smiled at me. It was understanding and gentle, holding no malice or sarcasm. I returned it and agreed heartily, having a laugh at your little joke, wondering idly where you'd gotten such a phrase.

It was then that my feelings towards you started to change. I'd always liked you the most out of our little group. You shared my interest in gold and weren't afraid to go to extremes to get it, you where a criminal like me, and I liked your style. Now, with that smile and the fact that you chose not to hold something I couldn't help against me, as you never have, I started to like you in a whole other way.

You're a very pretty Mud Boy. It was quite the shock when we met up for the first time in a few years after the Cube incident. I came to give you back that disk you'd given to me on our last parting. I was to meet you at a cafe in Wicklow. You'd stole away from school to meet me, Butler accompanying you. I had a hard time convincing you to meet with me, you where naturally suspicious. However, the lour of having something incredibly valuable given to you was too much I'll bet. Because you where sitting at the cafe like we planned, Butler next to you, glaring at me as I approached.

My first impression of you was that I'd gone to the wrong place, because there was a girl sitting in your chair, looking at the menu with barely contained disgust. She wore a navy blue school dress with a sky blue tie and white collar. Her dark hair was falling in ringlets around her pretty face, some being pulled back by some clips.

Then she looked up as I stopped at the tableside and I was met with a pair of blue eyes. They where such a startling blue, and I hadn't seen a colour like it, only in your eyes. Then the "girl" had opened her full pink lips and said in a male voice:

_"Mr Mulch Diggums I presume."_

The voice was defiantly yours, an Irish accent and a strong confident tone. It wasn't much deeper than when I last saw you. However, you hadn't hit puberty then, but surely, at fifteen your voice had dropped to a deeper octave. Nevertheless, no, it was light and graceful, though it was you none the less.

Artemis Fowl the Second.

After I'd sat down, you wasted no time drilling me with questions and demanding that I show you what I claimed to have. I did and gave it to you freely. This was what I'd been waiting for after all. As you studied the small disk, slender eyebrows furrowed in confusion, I studied you.

You had all but changed from the outside. You looked like a pretty schoolgirl, with the curled hair, the pink clips, your uniform of choice. You wore a small gold crest on your tie, where the fabric crossed over your collar. It was the St Bartbleys school crest, so you must still be going there. Though last I checked it was a boys school, though with your money and your daddy's influence, it didn't seem that hard to believe that they'd let you wear a dress instead of the normal uniform. I looked under the table and saw a set of black perfectly polished Mary Jane school shoes on your feet and dark navy blue stockings covering your slim, surprisingly shapely legs.

I was broken out of my shock by a low growl sent in my direction. I had looked up to see your ever over protective bodyguard giving me the Evil Eye. Probably thought I was checking you out; which I had been in a sense. I coughed, intimidated and Butler narrowed his blue, almost black eyes. It was uncomfortable and I'm thankful he trusts me again. That guy gives me the creeps.

The rest of the visit was spent filling you in on the goings on and how that disk came to be. You and your gorilla left shortly after to analyse the contents of said disk. Whatever you had planned, it obviously worked, because you'd gotten in contact with Holly a few days after and me after that.

Now I see you every second weekend and more than that on school holidays, you've grown quite found of your school life for some strange reason. Butler never wants to talk about it when I bring the subject up and always sinks into a dark mood after we change the subject.

I've asked you and received the casual reply of,

"Because I do; it's amazing what puberty will do to you, one of life's great mysteries really."

I stared at you and you smiled back, watching me over the top of your laptop, then you lowered your eyes and forgot I was even standing there as your work consumed you, as it does.

I'd never really felt anything for anyone before. I lived for myself and I cared only for myself. Selfish was my middle name as well as some other unpleasant personality quirks. I stole for a living and kept the bounty for myself; I backstabbed and never did anything for anyone unless I got something in return. Black mail, bribing, and threats, all of these things came as easy to me as making breakfast.

There was only one person in my life that I cared about, well three. They were me, myself and I, no one else. That is… until you.

I don't know what you did, but you make me feel things I can't explain, things I can't admit to myself. I figure it's just that you're a criminal like me. However, I'm fooling myself if I decide that the attraction stops there, because it doesn't.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a very pretty Mud Boy. Though I'm a dwarf, I'm not supposed to be attracted to humans. It's unheard of, downright _wrong_ in the eyes of the People. However, like most things I do, I don't do them by the book and I guess attraction is no exception.

I've never found humans attractive before, even when I was living among them as Lance Digger. The glamorous women and men didn't take my fancy at all. They were all so shallow, hollow and fairies were like that as well. Pixies, elves, centaurs, goblins, even my own race. They all seemed dull to me until you.

You are intriguing, beautiful, intelligent and dangerous, an enigma. You're a puzzle that I want to solve, you're the kind of challenge I crave for, and in your blue eyes is the door to a treasure that is worth far more than any gold or jewel, and it's your heart. Artemis Fowl's heart, a precious bounty locked away from unworthy souls.

Me, I want to break open that lock, knock down the walls and take your heart for my own and you can have mine if you'd wish, you could have my everything, every ounce of gold in my possession, every coin and shiny rock that I keep hidden. If only I could have you.

However I'm fooling myself with all this dreaming, I'm not worthy of your attraction, let alone your love. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a dwarf, but an elf or a pixie, something pretty that would catch your eye. Like Holly, fuck I wish I looked like Butler, the guys like a model.

"Attraction is something gained not only by looks, but by one's heart and soul."

I looked up at you, surprised by the random tid-bit of information; where had that come from. You smiled at me tucked a lock of ebony hair behind your ear.

"After all, the most physically attractive people often have the darkest hearts "Beauty's only skin deep" and all that."

I laughed lightly and you continued to smile in that hidden way that meant that you knew something everyone else didn't.

"Ah… yeah Artemis, that's true." I struggled out awkwardly "Why the random topic?"

A shrug of willowy shoulders and you looked down at a thick pile of papers Holly had given you to study.

"Just thinking out loud."

"Oh…"

I fiddled with my glass of water trying to distract myself from the silence in the cabin that was growing too loud. It made me uncomfortable; I was just thinking that and… could you read minds? Juliet thinks you can and we sometimes have little conspiracies about the limit to your intelligence.

I chance a glance at you and you're… you're looking right at me. I start to sweat, panic sweeping through my body and oh, God you_know_, the look in your eyes says it all, though I could be overreacting, I tend to do that a lot. As if sensing my doubt you stand up gracefully and place the papers neatly on the table, walking over to where I sit, rigid in my seat, glass of water shaking in my hands.

I watch as you lean down, your beautiful black hair falling in thick bangs around your face. You place thin hands on my shoulders to keep you steady and bringing your mouth inches from my own you say quietly, almost seductive:

"It's a person's soul that makes them beautiful, because with age, outer beauty will fade, leaving only the soul, open to its partner without the outer shell to protect and hide it. Falling in Lust is but a shallow physical attraction that will wither and die with age, but falling in _Love_, that's the attraction of a soul and it's eternal."

Then you kiss me, lightly, your feather soft lips brushing over mine; and before I can register what's happening you've pulled away, straightening up and fixing your hair.

"Remember what I told you in my note? I meant it." You smile and with those parting words, you leave the cabin.

I sit, frozen in my seat long after you'd gone, thinking over your last words to me before the three year hiatus.

"_I have not finished with you yet, Mulch Diggums."_

I smirk, so it would seem and I too, my little Irish Rose, am not finished with you.

**E/N:**Fufufufu, I finished it! This area of the AF category was empty and it looked so lonely and forgotten that I just HAD to put something there! XD I crack myself up! Plot? What's a plot?

Hey Flamers, do you hear that? … It's the sound of me not giving a shit!

I am a fangirl who pretends that the books ended at number three. Honestly, it's better that way, really! Opal's return never happened. Root never died, Holly never quit and Minerva _never_ existed. _EVER_.


End file.
